I Knew It'd Be Bad, But...

I didn't expect the straight-to-video Lost Boys sequel to be so completely and totally unwatchable. Wow. And I thought my expectations were already flexed so far backwards that they were mere inches from the floor and winning the prize for lowest limbo while belting out a riveting round of the Banana Boat Song.

Unfortunately, I think I'd have to dig a trench to accommodate how low my expectations became after those first painful 24 minutes.

To summarize, the movie -- or at least what I managed to sit through -- was nothing more than a gratuitous buffet of f-bombs, over the top violence (and not in an interesting or fun Tarintino-like way), with the depth of plot rivaling that of an amateur porno. We soon gave up on the flick and instead just fast-forwarded to the Corey Feldman scenes.

But even ol' Feldman wasn't enough to sustain us. After only the second or third silly Feldman moment, we agreed to just fast-forwarded to the end of the credits were there was supposed to be a two minute clip with the other Corey.

Now, if you happened to catch a glimpse of that short-lived Two Corey's show a year or two ago, you'd know that Haim is still looking pretty strung out these days. Apparently, he had a meltdown on set and continually screwed up his lines so often that they removed his little part from the film and simply inserted it at the end of the credits instead.

So once we saw the infamous Corey Haim cameo, next we skipped to the special features to watch the two alternate endings. Both endings also included Corey Haim, but the funny thing was that the only difference between the two clips was that Haim was wearing sunglasses in one of them.

Huh? Normally alternate endings are well... alternate endings.

I guess in this case the director might've thought that Haim looked too scary without the shades on, (and he kinda did), that the audience might mistake him as a vampire. Of course, neither clip ended up being used as he was umm-ing a lot during the dialog, clearly stumbling his way through his lines. Pretty sad.

Gosh... Whatever happened to that kid with the promising future? Whatever happened to Lucas?

Jim was saying what a shame it is that they waited 20 years to do a sequel, and then do such a crap job with it. Based on the cult status of the first one, you'd think they would've given it a better budget, reworked the script, or I dunno... have just tried a little harder.

It was so very, very bad. Beyond bad, really. And believe me, I've seen some shitty movies.

I think that we should watch the first Lost Boys movie now just so we can wash the awful taste from our mouths.  Maybe we can also find out if the video store will give us back our money. We're good customers there, so I'm sure all we'd have to say is "Lost Boys Two",  and if they had seen it (or even if they hadn't), I'm confident they'd understand and offer a refund.

At the risk of being punny, in conclusion, this is one vampire movie that truly sucks!