Reoccurring Dreams

Since I was a child, my dreams have pretty much always shared one of three common elements - even if only for a moment. Those elements are:

1. Staircases. Sometimes I'm going up. Sometimes I'm going down. Sometimes I'm trying to get somewhere. Sometimes I'm trying to get away from someone. Sometimes I go normal speed. Sometimes I run fast. Sometimes I take giant leaps from the top to the bottom. Sometimes it's just a single staircase. Sometimes they go on and on and on for a long time (like this paragraph...)

2. Public Washrooms. Sometimes they're clean. Sometimes they're filthy. Sometimes they're packed. Sometimes they're empty. Sometimes the stalls are missing doors. Sometimes I'm hiding in a stall. Sometimes I'm looking in a mirror. Sometimes I'm changing my clothes.  Sometimes I'm taking a shower. (In my dreams, I rarely use the public washrooms for what they're actually for...)

3. My Grandpa Junop's house. Sometimes I'm just visiting. Sometimes I live there. Sometimes I'll discover new rooms that I never knew existed before. Sometimes Grandpa is there. Sometimes he's not. Sometimes I recognize that I'm dreaming, so I hug him extra long until I'm forced to wake up. Those dreams always make me cry.

While I own a few dream dictionaries, I usually take their definitions with a grain of salt. Actually, I find that I almost never reference them anymore. I think the true interpretations to our dreams always lie within ourselves. That being said, this is what I take from the above...

Staircases - I think my direction depends on my current state of mind. To me, going up symbolizes working towards something. Actively reaching out towards a goal and overcoming challenges. I say this because going up a staircase often takes a bit longer and is more challenging that going down.

These days, I can run up staircases in my dreams with ease, but when I was a little kid, going up a staircase in my dreams was a scary thing. Here are a couple reoccurring examples of scary staircase dreams I would have:

Number 1: From the ages of about 4 - 11, I had a dream that would always end with me being lured up my Grandpa's staircase to find a special room where a woman would attract children with popsicles and fun musical instruments. But it would soon be revealed that the woman was actually a satanist, and she'd try to hypnotize us so we'd worship the devil. I'd usually end up yelling at her and (safely) jumping out the window.

Spirituality was always an ongoing battle for me, even as a wee kid. While I disliked going to church every Sunday, and always had many questions about which religion was the "true" religion, I still worried for my soul and feared going to hell. (A fear-mongering concept I no longer believe in, I might add...)

Number 2: From the age of maybe 8 until I was a teenager, I had another dream where I would need to get a book from the top floor at the public library. The problem was that the thin glass stairs were positioned like shelves and slotted wide apart, forcing me to practically jump between them. I was always too frightened to attempt (or at least complete) the daunting climb.

To me, books represent education, and for many years, my school life was rife with anxiety. In fact, I was actually put on antidepressants for a little while. Although my grades never suffered, just getting through the day was the most unbearable challenge. I'm sometimes amazed that I survived. However, by around the 10th or 11th grade, I had taken a summer leadership program, and while I didn't feel that I had changed at all on the outside, my confidence soared on the inside. Life drastically improved. It was also around that time that I finally made it up those stairs at the library with ease. I never had the dream again.

Now, going down stairs is a different story. I think that signifies coming to an end of something. It's always faster and easier going down stairs than it is going up.  In fact, as I mentioned earlier, sometimes I'll make giant leaps from the top of a staircase to the bottom. It seems that the longer the staircase I'm running down, the longer the process that is coming to an end.... if that makes sense? I also always have an overwhelming sensation of relief when running down a staircase, even if the situation in the dream is terrifying.

For example, the other night, shortly after we learned that we don't have to do any more outlines, I found myself running down a long, long staircase. It was actually a horrible dream about a psycho who was going through our apartment building killing everyone... but as I ran down those stairs, even though I could hear his crazed screams not far behind, I still felt safe, secure. I knew I would soon reach the bottom of the stairs and that everything would be fine. Actually, moments after my escape, I found myself calmly skipping stones at the beach... and that's when our alarm went off.

Public Washrooms - Unlike staircases, I don't think I need to go into a lengthy explanation here. For me, public washrooms symbolize the privacy of thought.  You can be in a very public setting, but still keep your thoughts to yourself.

In many ways, for the most part, I feel that I am a pretty open book. I don't mind sharing a lot of personal things about myself or my past, because I am confident in who I am, and have nothing to hide. Even the most humiliating moments have somehow helped to shape me into the super awesome person I've become. (Ha!) And yet, not one person will ever get to know the complete me. There will always be certain things that I'll keep from certain people. I think the same goes for just about everyone. While not all of us wear masks (or worse yet, tell lies), I do believe that no matter who you are, different shadows are always cast depending on with whom you stand. I mean, Jim comes pretty darn close to knowing every little thing about me, but even he will not hear my every passing thought.

At least that's what I think of whenever I think about public washrooms...  Although I have yet to further analyze what I am keeping from whom in my day-to-day life when a public washroom makes an appearance in my dreams.

My Grandpa Junop's house - Well, this certainly does not require much thought.... Grandpa Junop was easily my favourite person. So much so, that simply writing that statement alone brings a flood of tears to my eyes. I am often deeply affected for a day or two after he makes an appearance in any of my dreams. At the very least, I recognize how blessed I am to have such vivid dreams, so that when I do get to see him, even if I realize that I'm dreaming, I do believe that on some level of reality or consciousness, our visit *is* real and that I *am* with him.

Now, while Grandpa is not present about 2/3's of the time, his house has often been backdrop for many of my dreams since childhood. Not a week goes by that I don't find myself having a dream where I either live there, am visiting, etc. He passed away almost six years ago, and I don't think he lived in his home for almost five years before that, but I can still remember every nook and cranny of that place, and all those intricate details always come to life whenever I close my eyes.

Anyhow, while I've come to expect these elements of staircases, public washrooms and Grandpa's house to reoccur, lately a new situation has been introduced. Not in any sort of regular frequency as the above elements, but still, enough to notice....

Over the last month, maybe month n' a half, I've experienced a reoccurring theme at least three or four times. I had it again last night, which is why I felt compelled to write about it today.

In the dream, I find myself in either Pembroke, Ottawa, Aurora or Toronto, without a way home.  The circumstances are always that I was visiting for a week or two, but did not think to purchase a return ticket -- or in one case, I missed an earlier flight because I wanted to stay longer. It seems that I get so caught up with trying to visit everyone, and then I suddenly realize how long it has been since I've been away, and that I have a life (and husband!) here in Kelowna that I really miss and want to get back to.

Throughout the dream, I find myself growing anxious, trying to figure out how I'm going to get home. I try to rearrange my schedule with family and friends so no one feels left out. I try finding a way to get to the airport, but there are always bizarre complications. One time I was in Aurora and was trying to walk to Toronto's Finch subway station, but Young Street was incredibly steep and I had to climb almost straight up. When I turned around to find a different route, I noticed that my path had become completely flooded, so there was no going back. Another time, I got lost in the Ottawa airport because I kept entering all these weird theme rooms as I tried to find my departure gate... like a casino for gangsters, a Pepsi room, and I think even a laundry room with all kinds of solo socks...  Ha.

I always wake up with a feeling of absolute dread that I'm never going to get home, shortly followed by a huge sigh of relief that I'm back in Kelowna. These dreams always take a few minutes to shake off. I don't know what all this means... If I'm craving another visit home, then why am I so panicked and rushing to leave?

Strange, strange, strange...