The Dangerous Business of Bathing With Spider Man

While I'm normally a die-hard sucker for Lush products, when in a pinch drug store bubble bath will do. So yesterday while perusing Paragon's shelves, I thought it'd be fun to surprise Jim with a bottle of special "Spider Sense Spider Man" bubble bath as a joke.

The front of the bottle boasted that it was "paraben free", whatever that is. I'm gonna assume it's something I don't want to be soaking in. (Okay, a quick Google search now tells me that paraben is a class of chemicals widely used as preservatives in the cosmetic and pharmaceutical industry. Good to know.) So I bought the flashy lookin' bottle and hid it in Jim's bathroom.

Later on that evening when Jim finally found it, I guess he carefully inspected the suspicious "blasin' berry" scented, anti-freeze coloured liquid, because he came to me and asked if there was a caution label on the last bottle of drug store bubble bath we bought.

A caution label? Why the hell would there be a caution label on bubble bath, unless it was to say "do not consume"? I checked our most recent empty bottle of mango-scented drugstore bubbles, which was en route to the recycling bin. No caution label anywhere.

Jim showed me the back of the spidey suds. It read, "Use only as directed. Excessive use or prolonged exposure may cause irritation to skin and urinary tract." Excuse me? It continued, "Discontinue use if rash, redness or itching occur." Really? "Keep out of reach of children except under adult supervision. For external use only. Ages 3 and up."

WTF?! Urinary tract irritation? Rashes? Redness? Itching? Yowza! My spidey senses are a'tingling, and not in a good way! Oh, and did I mention that this is labeled as the mild formula?! Ha! I think I'd rather be bit by a radioactive spider. At least then I'd have superpowers instead of a super rash.

What puzzles me is the whole, "keep out of reach of children" thing, and yet it's okay to use on children ages 3 and up?  And hey, I thought this stuff was paraben free? Doesn't that account for anything anymore? (Not that I knew what paraben was until only five minutes ago...) It seems that this Spider Sense bubble bath makes no sense at all! I'd say the manufacturers should brag less about the lack of paraben and instead focus on getting rid of all the other scary stuff that causes these gross side effects. It's odd that this bubble bath is clearly designed for children and yet it seems way more sketchy than any adult-oriented products.

The only thing I can figure is that maybe a handful of kiddies were allowed to pour the bubbles into their tubs themselves, squirted half the 700 mL bottle in there, and then sat in the tub for two hours until they were rashy raisins. Maybe this warning is just to prevent that sort of carelessness on the consumers' part -- kinda like how microwave manuals instruct you not to put your small pets inside and then turn it on, because you never know... It takes all kinds in this crazy world of ours.

But really... whether you use a teaspoon or a bucket of bubbles, something designed to clean children shouldn't have these sorts of nasty side-effects. Of course, that didn't stop me from putting a small squirt into my tub last night. Ha. It was almost an "I will if you will" deal between Jim n' I. However, I think I'm gonna refrain from using any more bubble bath for now, until I get back to Orchard Park Mall and restock my Lush supply. Call me a soap snob, but natural bathing products have never looked so good!